| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 15 Nov 2007 : 20:10:15
Prologue
It was late in the mornign, and a lone horsewoman was traveling on the road. Without haste, but not slowly, either. Her golden hair flew freely behind her, exposing her pointy ears. The elf seemed lost in her thoughts. She was not of great beauty, but something about her seemed different. This difference emanated from the elf, a suggestion of something celestial, and her blue, gold-flecked eyes reflected great wisdom.
Lost in her memories, she remembered all the events which had led to this moment, to her state of feelings. So much had happened since she'd left the elven country a thousand years ago. She worked for a secret society guided by a prophetic book that had vow to protect the good in her realm. All that had lead to what she now was. But also it had lead to the lost of so many things she tought had importance for her. Now she was not shure any more.
She had fought hordes of demons and traveled through time. Each time she traveled to the higher planes, time had passed faster on Antoniel. She'd come back every time to see cities destroyed, countries changed, and some friends perished.
Her family had been banished and stripped of their noble titles. Her yonger brother had been raise by an ennemie houses and tought lies about their brother. All of it because her brother sacrifice his life to avoind a war between elves and humans. He was an hero, he save thousands of lives. They made him a traitor, they besmirch his memory and actions. She now was a paria for her contry. But she also had learn that to be elvish was not necessery to live with them. That the real nobility came from the heart and that the real elvish heart came from Corellon. Not from the politics that the Naaithess' bloodnoble came to like. Some humans and halfling could be more elve then the noble with whom she grown up.
The elf rubbed her belly with a nostalgic smile. Her celestial son grew in strength and beauty. It was sad that she wasn't able to participate to is education, but She had made her choice, she had other mission to carry on. She accepted to give birth to this child to save a race of Celestial being. Since then, she had visited three times celestial plans. That had change enven her body. Now she was becoming one her-self. Even that had been part of Corellon's divine plans. She was his instrument, and proud to be. She had fought in Divine war and win her part. But she still have a lot to do in the service of Corellon. She had been grant a great honor and she had to prove her-self worthy of. The last time she when to the divine plains was just a little ago. She had to fight beside her friend Éricàlié, the celestial father, to defend the paradises against a horde of devil and demon. It had been a firce battle. It had left scar even in her soul. She had saw some of her friend died and suffer in that war. She had a sad smiles. They had won. This had been difficult, but the Gods of the Good had alied all together, sided all their mortal and celestial champions. It was an epic battle. She wondered if she would get to see something that big again. She hoped not.
Lost in her thoughts, she doesn't notice immediately that the sky suddenly darkened. However, the demonic energy wake her up. In front of the divine priestess stood a being who radiated evil from all his body and soul. His presence was oppressive for the elf so imbued of celestial energy. The elf wanted to take out her sword and deal with this ennemy, but by a gesture of hand the evilbeing and everything around her disappeared… |
| 30 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 19:09:21
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
And would it be best if I lenghten my prologue ? Does it need more polishing ?
Prologues need not be lengthy, in my opinion.
Yes, it could use more polishing. I'll help later when I have more time. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 18:27:18
And would it be best if I lenghten my prologue ? Does it need more polishing ? |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 17:30:59
Yes it is.
I have to agree that writing in English first would be a worthwhile undertaking (and good practice). |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 02:48:01
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
Prologue 2
As the sun began to ignite the horizon, the elf ducked into her camp. Within it, thanks to the heavy drapes, there was practically no light. The moon elf soon came back to her true from. Her skin darken and soon became a shiny ebony. She sighed with relief, and sank into her reverie. In it, she relived a ritual moonlit dance, but a tall drow of incredible beauty - not in fact part of her memory - entered her circle.
IS it better ? |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 02:43:55
It is a spell... You are right, i should have writen that...
|
| Karzak |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 02:26:51
If you aren't doing this already - don't write in French and translate. Write in English from the start. Here's a rough... translation into readable English. Keep in mind that I'm not altering the prose too much and/or taking out the clunky/redundant bits; I'm only purging it of the bizarre language.
Daylight was spreading over Faerûn. A traveler was setting up camp. Her pointed ears and pale complexion marked her as a moon elf, though her white hair and red eyes were unusual among her kind.
As the sun began to ignite the horizon, the elf ducked into her camp. Within it, thanks to the heavy drapes, there was practically no light. She sighed with relief, and sank into her reverie. In it, she relived a ritual moonlit dance, but a tall drow of incredible beauty - not in fact part of her memory - entered her circle.
Veldrin soon became aware that she was alone with the black elf, then realized who the drow was. None other than the Dark Maiden herself stood before her. She dropped to her knee in obeisance, and a soft, warm voice spoke.
"Blessed child of the night, I have a task for you. Near Silverymoon, there are ruins of an ancient temple that was once called the Door of the Planes. Do you know of what I speak?"
Veldrin nodded, too shocked to speak.
"I want you to visit it. Once there, you will know what to do. Be well, my champion."
With that, the elf awakened from her reverie. For four hours, she gave thanks to the goddess in prayers. Rested and motivated, she dressed and packed her gear.
The trip only took three weeks. When she arrived at her destination, the bard began exploring the place for a sign that would guide her. While searching, she noticed glyphs of great power around a door. When she drew closer, they began to glow, as did the empty space within the doorframe. The dark elf only had time for a quick spell.
Even after turning it into an intelligible form, I still have no idea what is going on. Why does the moon elf suddenly become a dark elf at the end? |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 01:50:03
If you could help me with that I would be eternly grateful... In French the prose is not really a probleme... But in english I lack the Vocabulary to get something really to my liking, and readers liking. |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 01:47:19
You're welcome.
Grammar and spelling would be very easy to polish, with my help (or someone else's). It's the actual prose I would focus on. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 01:35:25
Thanks for your advise. The more I think about it, the more I agree with you... What I rote in my fist prologue version, I could introduce it more proprely in the story it-self...
Thanks...
The only thing I still have to work on, for the moment would be my gramar and vocabulary... |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 01:31:01
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
Yeah... maybe. I'm gonna check that... But would it be a more suitable prologue ? Or do you think I just should work on the first on ?
As it is, I think what you wrote for Chapter 1 makes a better prologue than what you wrote for your actual prologue. But that doesn't mean you can't make your original prologue work. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 01:02:06
Yeah... maybe. I'm gonna check that... But would it be a more suitable prologue ? Or do you think I just should work on the first on ? |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 01:00:25
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
Would it be better to start directly with this ?
Not necessarily. I think starting with a prologue is fine, I just didn't think your particular prologue worked, for reasons I've already mentioned.
quote:
he writing is commun. "…"
The elvish will be represented by Italic. "exemple"
The undercommun (drow), will be represented by "/ /exemple/ /"
Again, I'm not going to tell you what to do or not do. But I will say that this system of yours is very confusing and distracting. Authors can do just fine conveying different languages with regular writing conventions. You don't need to employ tricks like this.
What you wrote so far is fine (though it needs to be polished), but I don't think it matters what language a goddess is speaking in. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 00:55:13
Prologue 2
Daylight was spreading over Faerûn. A traveler was setting up camp. Her pointed ears and pale complexion marked her as a moon elf, though her white hair and red eyes were unusual among her kind.
As the sun began to ignite the horizon, the elf ducked into her camp. Within it, thanks to the heavy drapes, there was practically no light. The moon elf soon came back to her true from. Her skin darken and soon became a shiny ebony. She sighed with relief, and sank into her reverie. In it, she relived a ritual moonlit dance, but a tall drow of incredible beauty - not in fact part of her memory - entered her circle.
Veldrin soon became aware that she was alone with the black elf, then realized who the drow was. None other than the Dark Maiden herself stood before her. She dropped to her knee in obeisance, and a soft, warm voice spoke.
"Blessed child of the night, I have a task for you. Near Silverymoon, there are ruins of an ancient temple that was once called the Door of the Planes. Do you know of what I speak?"
Veldrin nodded, too shocked to speak.
"I want you to visit it. Once there, you will know what to do. Be well, my champion."
With that, the elf awakened from her reverie. For four hours, she gave thanks to the goddess in prayers. Rested and motivated, she dressed and packed her gear.
The trip only took three weeks. When she arrived at her destination, the bard began exploring the place for a sign that would guide her. While searching, she noticed glyphs of great power around a door. When she drew closer, they began to glow, as did the empty space within the doorframe. The dark elf only had time for a quick spell. |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 00:38:04
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
Hum... I hear yah. In a way, you are right, their is really work to do on my storie... I will try to translate the first chapter and just start there... Maybe will be more trill full and interesting.
I hope so. I'd love to help you polish the writing up more. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 00:36:13
Hum... I hear yah. In a way, you are right, their is really work to do on my storie... I will try to translate the first chapter and just start there... Maybe will be more trill full and interesting. |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 00:21:53
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
Lost in her memories, she remembered all the events which had led to this moment, to her state of feelings. So much had happened since she'd left the elven country a thousand years ago. She worked for a secret society guided by a prophetic book that had vow to protect the good in her realm. All that had lead to what she now was. But also it had lead to the lost of so many things she tought had importance for her. Now she was not shure any more.
My advice to you remains the same--ditch the bit about the secret society and the book. If you mention it in passing like that, it just comes off as silly and corny.
quote:
Her family had been banished and stripped of their noble titles. Her yonger brother had been raise by an ennemie houses and tought lies about their brother. All of it because her brother sacrifice his life to avoind a war between elves and humans. He was an hero, he save thousands of lives. They made him a traitor, they besmirch his memory and actions.
This passage could read much "cleaner". You can say all that using fewer sentences. One sentence just repeats information from an earlier sentence. That's called redundancy.
quote:
She now was a paria for her contry. But she also had learn that to be elvish was not necessery to live with them. That the real nobility came from the heart and that the real elvish heart came from Corellon. Not from the politics that the Naaithess' bloodnoble came to like. Some humans and halfling could be more elve then the noble with whom she grown up.
Again, you can say all that with fewer sentences. If you repeat "being an elf comes from the heart" too much, it gets preachy.
quote:
The elf rubbed her belly with a nostalgic smile. Her celestial son grew in strength and beauty. It was sad that she wasn't able to participate to is education, but She had made her choice, she had other mission to carry on. She accepted to give birth to this child to save a race of Celestial being. Since then, she had visited three times celestial plans. That had change enven her body. Now she was becoming one her-self. Even that had been part of Corellon's divine plans. She was his instrument, and proud to be. She had fought in Divine war and win her part. But she still have a lot to do in the service of Corellon. She had been grant a great honor and she had to prove her-self worthy of. The last time she when to the divine plains was just a little ago. She had to fight beside her friend Éricàlié, the celestial father, to defend the paradises against a horde of devil and demon. It had been a firce battle. It had left scar even in her soul. She had saw some of her friend died and suffer in that war. She had a sad smiles. They had won. This had been difficult, but the Gods of the Good had alied all together, sided all their mortal and celestial champions. It was an epic battle. She wondered if she would get to see something that big again. She hoped not.
Way, way too many short, clipped sentences! If you want your writing to be graceful, that's not how to do it. It's also a very redundant passage and really, all this chatter about demons and planes and secret societies takes me out of the moment. What is this elf doing, riding to Silverymoon? Why not make THAT interesting? I'd prefer thrilling horseride through the wilderness to all this bloated inner dialogue.
quote:
Lost in her thoughts, she doesn't notice immediately that the sky suddenly darkened. However, the demonic energy wake her up.
Why did the elf get so lost in her thoughts? What triggered this avalanche of memories? Shouldn't she have been watching the road for danger, and not thinking about wars and celestial babies?
|
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 20 Nov 2007 : 00:09:10
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
Sorry... hum and you read the not edited story... i had redone it a little bit farther in the topic... but you made me think about editing the first one too... if you want to read the good one i would invite you in retry it... than if you want you could help me getting it better.
I realize that, but I checked both stories and most of my comments still apply. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 19 Nov 2007 : 02:35:42
Sorry... hum and you read the not edited story... i had redone it a little bit farther in the topic... but you made me think about editing the first one too... if you want to read the good one i would invite you in retry it... than if you want you could help me getting it better. |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 19 Nov 2007 : 02:31:26
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
Ok... I understand your crithiques, but this is just a prologue... not the Whole story... and i'm sory if i did not express my self well enought.
Nothing to be sorry about.
But still, the fact that this is a prologue is irrelevant. All the more reason not tell us about all the plot points the story is going to have.
quote:
She his not pregnant now... She just remember her son... what is was to be pregnant... Now her son is growing up in "heavens" because he is a celestial...
OK, I wasn't clear about that. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 19 Nov 2007 : 02:19:46
Ok... I understand your crithiques, but this is just a prologue... not the Whole story... and i'm sory if i did not express my self well enought. She his not pregnant now... She just remember her son... what is was to be pregnant... Now her son is growing up in "heavens" because he is a celestial... |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 19 Nov 2007 : 01:49:22
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
Prologue
A lone horsewoman was traveling on the road. Without haste, but not slowly, either. Her golden hair flew freely behind her, exposing her pointed ears.
Why is it important that her ears are exposed? To show that they're pointed? You tell us she's an elf after that, so i don't see why that's necessary.
quote:
The elf seemed lost in her thoughts. She was not of great beauty, but something about her seemed different. This difference emanated from the elf, a suggestion of something celestial, and her blue, gold-flecked eyes reflected great wisdom.
The part in bold is, in my opinion, not specific enough. What is "this difference" and why does it suggest something celestial?
quote:
Lost in her memories, she remembered all the events which had led to this moment. So much had happened since she'd left the elven country a thousand years ago. Her family had been banished and stripped of their noble titles. She had fought hordes of demons and traveled through time; now she worked for a secret society guided by a prophetic book. Each time she traveled to the higher planes, time had passed faster on Antoniel. She'd come back every time to see cities destroyed, countries changed, and some friends perished.
This whole paragraph is, in my opinion, a mess, but the parts in bold don't work for the reasons I mentioned before--they just don't mesh at all with the present scene. Why do you need to tell us right now that this elf works for some secret society involving a book? Tell us that when it'd be more appropriate. Leave a little mystery there for us to discover later.
quote:
The elf rubbed her belly with a nostalgic smile. Her heavenly son grew in strength and beauty.
This is nitpicking, but...how can she tell? He's a fetus, he's inside her!
quote:
She was sad that she wasn't able to participate in this, but She had made her choice.
What is "this"? As far as I can tell, she is carrying a child--to me, that's participating!
quote:
She had accepted birth of this child to save a race of Celestial being. Since then, she had visited three times celestial plans. Even that had been part of the divine plans. That had change enven her body. She had been tree times in the celestial plains too. Now she was becoming one her-self. But she still have a lot to do in the service of Corellon. She had been grant a faver she had to prove her-self worthy of.
Again...I'm sorry, but it's a mess. I can't make heads or tails of what you are talking about, and you mention TWO times that this elf visited the upper planes three times. Not necessary.
quote:
Lost in her thoughts, she does not noticed immediately that the sky suddenly darkened. However, the demonic energy released from its languor.
Uh, what? The bold sentence is just...wrong. Not a great way to introduce a scary demon. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 21:41:09
For Gryphon and the other, i had try to render a better story. This time i just rewrote the story instead of trying to translate it. Is it better that way ?
did not change the content of the prologue, m=but i had some important information. I think that what i wrote hear is important to know to understand my character in the other chapter...
However, I'm not shure. What do you, all, think of this version ?
Prologue
It was late in the mornign, and a lone horsewoman was traveling on the road. Without haste, but not slowly, either. Her golden hair flew freely behind her, exposing her pointed ears. The elf seemed lost in her thoughts. She was not of great beauty, but something about her seemed different. This difference emanated from the elf, a suggestion of something celestial, and her blue, gold-flecked eyes reflected great wisdom.
Lost in her memories, she remembered all the events which had led to this moment, to her state of feelings. So much had happened since she'd left the elven country a thousand years ago. She worked for a secret society guided by a prophetic book that had vow to protect the good in her realm. All that had lead to what she now was. But also it had lead to the lost of so many things she tought had importance for her. Now she was not shure any more.
She had fought hordes of demons and traveled through time. Each time she traveled to the higher planes, time had passed faster on Antoniel. She'd come back every time to see cities destroyed, countries changed, and some friends perished.
Her family had been banished and stripped of their noble titles. Her yonger brother had been raise by an ennemie houses and tought lies about their brother. All of it because her brother sacrifice his life to avoind a war between elves and humans. He was an hero, he save thousands of lives. They made him a traitor, they besmirch his memory and actions. She now was a paria for her contry. But she also had learn that to be elvish was not necessery to live with them. That the real nobility came from the heart and that the real elvish heart came from Corellon. Not from the politics that the Naaithess' bloodnoble came to like. Some humans and halfling could be more elve then the noble with whom she grown up.
The elf rubbed her belly with a nostalgic smile. Her celestial son grew in strength and beauty. It was sad that she wasn't able to participate to is education, but She had made her choice, she had other mission to carry on. She accepted to give birth to this child to save a race of Celestial being. Since then, she had visited three times celestial plans. That had change enven her body. Now she was becoming one her-self. Even that had been part of Corellon's divine plans. She was his instrument, and proud to be. She had fought in Divine war and win her part. But she still have a lot to do in the service of Corellon. She had been grant a great honor and she had to prove her-self worthy of. The last time she when to the divine plains was just a little ago. She had to fight beside her friend Éricàlié, the celestial father, to defend the paradises against a horde of devil and demon. It had been a firce battle. It had left scar even in her soul. She had saw some of her friend died and suffer in that war. She had a sad smiles. They had won. This had been difficult, but the Gods of the Good had alied all together, sided all their mortal and celestial champions. It was an epic battle. She wondered if she would get to see something that big again. She hoped not.
Lost in her thoughts, she doesn't notice immediately that the sky suddenly darkened. However, the demonic energy wake her up. In front of the divine priestess stood a being who radiated evil from all his body and soul. His presence was oppressive for the elf so imbued of celestial energy. The elf wanted to take out her sword and deal with this ennemy, but by a gesture of hand the evilbeing and everything around her disappeared… |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 03:57:37
thank you for your help. I'm really sory for my english. It is even worst than i thought.
And yes, i'm sorry i use google to help me translate all my worke. I'm a lot capable of understanding English, and in a reasonable way, i'm also able to write someting comprehensive, but translating a whole text is difficult for me... I think i will let it go for now. It seems i really don't suit, for now, in the place a author if it is not in my primary language.
I will see if i can do something better with some help. Someone offer me to help me in the correction and translation of my texts... |
| Karzak |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 03:16:04
I mean that, if I typed this up in proper English, put it through the translation website Babelfish twice (from English to French, then back to English again), it'd read almost exactly like this, with the characteristic pronoun confusion (his and it instead of her and she) and subject-verb disagreement (an isolated horsewomen?). Here's what the first two paragraphs would read like if it had been written in actual English, not in French and then put through Babelfish:
A lone horsewoman was traveling on the road. Without haste, but not slowly, either. Her golden hair flew freely behind her, exposing her pointed ears. The elf seemed lost in her thoughts. She was not of great beauty, but something about her seemed different. This difference emanated from the elf, a suggestion of something celestial, and her blue, gold-flecked eyes reflected great wisdom.
Lost in her memories, she remembered all the events which had led to this moment. So much had happened since she'd left the elven country a thousand years ago. Her family had been banished and stripped of their noble titles. She had fought hordes of demons and traveled through time; now she worked for a secret society guided by a prophetic book. Each time she traveled to the higher planes, time had passed faster on Antoniel. She'd come back every time to see cities destroyed, countries changed, and some friends perished.
It's still completely hideous prose (and will continue to be hideous unless rewritten from scratch), but at least it's more intelligible. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 03:09:23
I did not change the content of the prologue, m=but i had some important information. I think that what i wrote hear is important to know to understand my character in the other chapter...
However, I'm not shure. What do you, all, think of this version ?
Prologue
A lone horsewoman was traveling on the road. Without haste, but not slowly, either. Her golden hair flew freely behind her, exposing her pointed ears. The elf seemed lost in her thoughts. She was not of great beauty, but something about her seemed different. This difference emanated from the elf, a suggestion of something celestial, and her blue, gold-flecked eyes reflected great wisdom.
Lost in her memories, she remembered all the events which had led to this moment. So much had happened since she'd left the elven country a thousand years ago. Her family had been banished and stripped of their noble titles. She had fought hordes of demons and traveled through time; now she worked for a secret society guided by a prophetic book. Each time she traveled to the higher planes, time had passed faster on Antoniel. She'd come back every time to see cities destroyed, countries changed, and some friends perished.
The elf rubbed her belly with a nostalgic smile. Her heavenly son grew in strength and beauty. She was sad that she wasn't able to participate in this, but She had made her choice. She had accepted birth of this child to save a race of Celestial being. Since then, she had visited three times celestial plans. Even that had been part of the divine plans. That had change enven her body. She had been tree times in the celestial plains too. Now she was becoming one her-self. But she still have a lot to do in the service of Corellon. She had been grant a faver she had to prove her-self worthy of.
The last time was just a little ago. She had to fight beside her friend Éricàlié (Sorry french inspiration name) to defend the paradise against a horde of devil and demon. It had been a firce battle. It had left scar even in her soul. She had saw some of her friend died and suffer in that war.
had a sad smiles. They had won. This had been difficult, but at the Celestial side they had pushed back the Evil army.
Lost in her thoughts, she does not noticed immediately that the sky suddenly darkened. However, the demonic energy released from its languor. In front of her stood a being who radiated evil. His presence was oppressive for the priestess so imbued of celestial energy. The elf wanted to take out her sword and deal with this enemy, but a gesture of the hand of the evil and everything around her disappeared… |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 02:34:42
quote:
Originally posted by Karzak
I'd fix the babelfishy language first, if I were you.
what do you mean by that ? |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 02:33:24
that wath i meen. I ment no offence, or to speak like i would be mad. I'm gonna think about it.
Is there other that would have suggestion to replace those parts ? |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 01:55:19
quote:
Originally posted by Akeri Rualuavain
so you think i should just take that part out ?
I'm not going to tell you what you should do, so much as tell you what I think would make the story better. |
| Karzak |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 01:51:33
I'd fix the babelfishy language first, if I were you. |
| Akeri Rualuavain |
Posted - 17 Nov 2007 : 00:51:21
so you think i should just take that part out ? |
|
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