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AraznBlair
Learned Scribe
USA
114 Posts |
 Posted - 06 Feb 2003 : 17:30:14
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From the memoirs of Arazn Blair, as written by Ariq Ramarez, Resident Bard of Spellsword Tavern. I pen this memory as is spoken by Arazn Blair.
Journeying into Undermountain, home of the mighty Archwizard Hallister, was an experience most adventurers did for money and only explored the regions most familiar to them. There are many entrances into Undermountain; the most famous being through the Yawning Portal which was own by Durnan. Most had to pay a hefty price to gain access to the portal that led to the most hair-raising adventure in their life. Though luckily for me, I was one of the very few that did not have to pay. It also helped that I had the Blackstaff himself backing me up.
Five of us went down, much to the delight of the tavern patrons that were to drunk to realize the seriousness of it, the portal. The party consisted of Radick of Waterdeep, a dwarven fighter named Granet, a drow cleric named Paleyes, Arcamadis the Death Knight and myself Arazn Blair.
Down the rope we went into the dark caverns that existed beneath the famed City of Splendors, all were excited and fearful at the same time. Myself and Radick were looking for our friend Artimus of Waterdeep, a known protector of Lord Pergion Paladinson. An evil wizard who succeeded in trapping him in a ruby pendant had captured Artimus. We knew all this because for the past four months Radick and I have traveled the Sword Coast and the Dales looking for this purported wizard that claimed to be Artimus’s father. He alone held the clues to a demon that hunted Artimus for it was the wizard that created it. Now the wizard who we nearly defeated outside Daggerdale has hidden himself in Undermountain. Hoping to escape the wraith that two friends will bring down onto him. As for the other three adventurers joining us, two are old friends of mine. I had traveled with them thirty years prior while trying to destroy an evil artifact of power. The Drow had not changed during that time except now he wore a crown. As for Arcamadis Slamon, aspiring Paladin of Torm, much has changed. His features were gaunt; skeletal like with deep sunk eyes and cheeks. His eyes glowed red as though a flame appeared behind them and his voice firm though raspy as though hundreds of years had passed since it was last used. These two happily joined me in hopes of gaining treasure to fund the returning church of their new god Myrkul, though long dead now guided these two.
Caring not for the reasons of his former friends, Arazn guided the quintet deeper into the labyrinth. He had been down here many times and knew these halls well. For more years than he cared to count he had lived here as a slave or student to a Beholder named Xorisch, learning new spells and techniques in return for patrolling the area and bring food to him. That was long ago for now Xorisch was dead, killed by the man he is now trying to rescue.
The party traveled deeper into Undermountain following the sounds of the wizard that held their friend. After many twists and turns, descents and accents, the quintet finally entered a large natural cavern. In the center stood the mage, holding the ruby pendant out for all to see and teasing us with it. Surrounding him was a horde of protectors. Over twenty goblins and orcs waited for us, waiting for the moment to spring at us killing us with hopes of pleasing their master.
We immediately moved to attack. Raddick casting a fireball and flung it at the wizard only to have it bounce harmlessly away from him and high into the ceiling. Paleyes summoned a swarm of insects and directed them at the horde. Granet and Arcamadis rushed forward to meet the coming orcs head on, killing the front ranks swiftly. Myself, I called forth five missiles of pure magic and flung them at the mage, only to watch them sizzle against an unseen barrier. Many goblins fell to the insect swarm, but still more came on. The evil wizard launched his own barrage of deadly magic at us, striking Arcamadis with a bolt of lightening.
Paleyes for his part pointed a group of goblins that tried to flank the party, sending a fan of pure magic from his crown, disintegrating over ten of the dirty beasts. I jumped forward to work my way to the sorcerer, swinging Catseye (Bastard Sword of 9 Lives) at a tall orc, cleaving its head in two. Granet swung a large two-head axe separating the legs from one ugly orc. Raddick, hanging back for he was not skilled in the was of martial combat, summoned an air elemental and sent it after the mage only to watch him create a fire elemental to combat it. Arcamadis, using his new found powers of as a Death Knight, summoned a pair of dead orcs to fight with us.
The battle with the goblins and orcs lasted what seemed like hours but really only minutes. Finally all creatures were dead and the party surrounded the wizard. The closer we got to him I was able to see a faint shimmering globe encasing him. The wizard hurled a fireball in my direction, catching Granet and me. I was lucky to be wearing my Ring of Fire resistance and was able to withstand much of the effects. Raddick and Paleyes both caste bolts of lightening only to see them bounce off. Arcamadis swung his huge sword just to see it pass through the mage.
Frustration could be seen on all our faces. Spells and sword had no affect on this mad wizard. Remembering a spell that I had scrolled, I immediately turned the rock, which the sorcerer was standing on into mud. Shear joy ran through me as I watch the man sink. Anger flared in the wizard’s eyes as he realized what was happening. To make matters worse for him, Paleyes cast a spell that shattered the ruby pendant, releasing the man trapped inside. The two wrestle in the mud, covering them to the point of neither being recognized. One was able to shove the other deep under the mud in an attempt to drown the victim and succeeded. Not sure as to whom won, I cast from my spell book the reversal of this spell, turning the mud to rock, hardening it and holding fast the winner of the fight. I knew that I had only seconds to identify the person now incased in rock and prayed that it was Aramus, the friend I came to save. It was but I did not have the spell to save him.
Before I could call on Raddick to reverse the spell, Granet swung his mighty axe and took my friend’s head from his shoulders. Anger raged up in me. Pulling Catseye from its scabbard I lunged at the dwarf with hopes of using the swords power to kill him as he killed my friend. The dwarf was fast and was able to avoid my swing, and returning one of his own, only to trip from overreaching landing flat on his face. Paleyes and Arcamadis jumped to his side to prevent either Raddick or myself from taking revenge on him.
“What are you doing Paleyes?” I asked. “I want his head.”
“His head is not for you. He is a servant of Myrkul.” Came the gravel voice of the Death Knight.
“I did it as a sacrifice to Lord Myrkul.” Granet cried out from between the legs of his saviors.
“Actually he is mine to do with as I please, Arazn, and it would please me to see that his head is given to Myrkul as well.” Paleyes said as he reached out pointing a finger at the dwarf. The body twitched and slowly dried and the skin shriveled to become a husk. The eyes melted and were replaced by flames. The Dwarven Fighter became a Skeletal Warrior in front of my eyes.
“You and your kind are not welcomed in Waterdeep.” Raddick said as he pulled a pin from his cloak. A pin that marked him as a Major in Watch Wizards of Waterdeep. “You are forbidden to ever enter the city again.”
Looking at the drow cleric I smiled. Too much history between me and the drow to allow the Elf mage to hold his threat true.
“Paleyes, I will see you again and we will catch up on old times. I am retiring and buying a tavern. Next time you are nearby call upon me and we shall share drinks. Find me at Spellsword Tavern near the Dock Ward.” I said as I grabbed the head of my friend.
Raddick and I ran back the way we came. Hoping to reach the ladder that led back to the Yawning Portal. Magical energy enhanced their stamina and gave power to their legs allowing them to move faster through the tunnels. It took almost three hours to return to the surface and another fifteen minutes to reach Blackstaff tower. I immediately started calling on the Lord and Lady of the tower. Begging, pleading, threatening, anything that would get one or both of them to appear before me. It was the Lady Mage Laerial that appeared.
“Lady please this is Aramus. You must help him.” I pleaded.
“What am I to do young mage? It was you who caused this to happen. How am I to help?” she asked.
“Can you not resurrect him?” Raddick asked. “Is there nothing you can do?”
“There is a spell but the chances of him returning to his normal self is slim. I can reincarnate him but…” the Lady Mage left her sentence unfinished. Allowing the possibilities to sink into both of them.
“I am willing to take that risk.” I said as I handed the head to the wife of the Blackstaff. I watched her turn and walk through the wall surrounding the tower.
Later I was told by one whom frequented the tower that the spell did work but my friend was not the same person that I had known. Instead it was Aramus the boy that came back from the dead. A boy barely past ten years of age came to live with me and help run the Spellsword Tavern.
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Arazn Blair
Fightermage Extrodinare |
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 07 Feb 2003 : 07:35:17
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Hmm. Not bad. Did you write this? Because it needs a little editing . . . . Lots of choppy sentances, mainly. Easily fixed.
(And before anyone tells me that was harsh, I'm hard to please. I sometimes criticize published authors. And you should see how I treat my own work. What can I say? I've the soul of an author, but the heart of an editor.  ) |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
Edited by - Bookwyrm on 07 Feb 2003 07:37:48 |
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AraznBlair
Learned Scribe
USA
114 Posts |
Posted - 07 Feb 2003 : 15:39:10
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| Yes I did write this. It is from that last session I ever played with this character. That was over two years ago. My DM and I moved to diferent parts of the US. I haven't been able to find a DM willing to let me play him again. Don't worry I'm my worst critic. Also it is hard for me to see the problems. Thanks for the feedback though. |
Arazn Blair
Fightermage Extrodinare |
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Artalis
Senior Scribe
USA
444 Posts |
Posted - 07 Feb 2003 : 16:38:11
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Good, and interesting...
Now the constructive criticism  
Watch your perspectives, Since this is from the memoirs as written by someone else you have to decide if it is "I" or "They". About half-way thru it changes from first person to third person perspective, and then back again shortly after. Something to watch for.
In a less mechanical vein... I think it is beneficial to describe the effects of spells without giving their names and so on. The same goes for magic swords. Don't tell us it's a Sword of Nine Lives give us a description of what it does and let us figure it out. Description is the soul of writing IMHO and it give the reader something to have fun with.
Remember this is constructive criticism, I would not dare to cast aspersions upon your talents. I am trying to help you progress upon your path.
I hope this helps |
Artalis
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Drummer Boy
Senior Scribe
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 08 Feb 2003 : 01:04:50
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You have a good story AraznBlair, but there were a few things I would change. I'm not trying to insult you, but here's some constructive criticism as to what I think you should change.
Like Artalis mentioned, make sure you stay in the same point of view. I would recommend third person, but that's just MHO. You should also try to develop the characters' personalities through their actions as you go along, instead of just saying their names and classes. Also, there are a few spelling and grammar errors and minor things like that, so I would recommend you just proofread your story a few times and make the little changes.
Ok, that's it. Hope this helps. |
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zemd
Master of Realmslore
France
1103 Posts |
Posted - 08 Feb 2003 : 01:09:39
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I'd like so much to post what i write!
But sadly it's in french, and no one would understand it
Maybe i'll be able to translate in english, but it's difficult |
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 08 Feb 2003 : 08:40:37
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Oo boy. You start talking about creative writing and I start salivating. 
First, about the person/perspective switching. It's one of the easiest things for a writer to hang up on, and one of the hardest for a reader to ignore. (Though like all things it depends on how much of it is in there compared to other things.) My freshman English professor, a Mrs. Trienne Glover, littered my second paper in her class with red marks because of that. The comment I remember most was "I'm getting dizy!!" (because I was switching so fast and often). Ever since that I've been a lot more careful about such things.
(By the way, that paper got a 4- on a three point scale. In case no one's worked on anything but a standard letter grade, 3 is an A, while 4 is (as Professor Glover put it) "Ready for the publisher." Unfortunately, I never matched that one again.)
Next, the comments my illustrious colleagues have made on the subject of descriptions. Well, that's a biggie too. The reader's exploration of the story is what makes a story good. "Reporters tell, writers show." Now, in a gaming session, that sort of thing isn't uncommon, unless I'm mistaken, and you did say you were writing from such a point. However, once you treat it as a story rather than a game, there are whole different rules to follow. They can be hard to learn, and sometimes you have to fudge them, but you have to remember that they're there.
(Boy, now I'M sounding like a college professor. Or at least someone who actually knows what he's talking about.)
If you want a more direct example, using the "names of the spells" point Artalis raised, try the magically-fought battle in Passage to Dawn by R. A. Salvatore, which takes place on that island where they go to find a mystic. You'll see what I mean. (Besides, it's a very funny scene.)
If you have any other comments or questions, I welcome them. I love writing, and I love helping others write. In fact (and I'm speaking to all writers who read this), if it's something I like, or if I like you enough, I'll even edit it for you, free of charge. Not that I charge anyway.
And Zemd, I take special interest in foreign translations. I'm not at all good at languages, but I lived in Europe for three years, so I've some idea at how to help people who don't think in English. In fact, that was mostly what I did, during my first spring semester. Boy, that was fun. |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
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Drummer Boy
Senior Scribe
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 08 Feb 2003 : 19:06:00
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quote:
Originally posted by zemd
I'd like so much to post what i write!
But sadly it's in french, and no one would understand it
Maybe i'll be able to translate in english, but it's difficult
Zemd, if you try to translate it to English, I could help you make changes from there. I know Bookwyrm could help you with it, too, so if you decide to translate it, post it on the forum and we will be glad to help you with it. |
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